Frabjous Joy

I'm super excited about this lovely off season, with all my plans for new work. I bought a huge pile of gorgeous, white silk scarves. I even got a few big pieces, some stone-washed crepe de chine, very luxurious. My thinking is that with more of them, I will be braver about trying new techniques and subjects, because if one doesn't work out I can do another. The standard ones I use only cost about $7 each, so not that much is wasted if I make a mistake. The very nicest ones cost less than $25, but I also got a lot of little hankies to make into flags that only cost a couple of bucks each. The potential is all there, and the artistic vision that I need to come up with to do it seems totally intimidating only about half the time.

I bought a new set of dyes, the kind that have to be steam-set, and I will work out making a steamer from a pressure cooker. Steaming can also be done in a microwave, though I don't have all the technical details thought completely through. It's not going to be that difficult. Like so many new things, the period of fearfulness or anxiety seems paramount until the thing is tried, and then the fears go away. Once I bought the new washer, I felt great about the decision.

The offseason irrationality is in place, so I'm being careful. Being in public working once a week, or twice during the Tuesday market, is very grounding and I miss it. I have my writing group, but probably need a couple more regular opportunities to work with other people. The SM Board met last night, and it was good to see folks and work together to solve problems, not that we have many of those. I volunteered to be more involved, because that is one arena of my life that I find pretty darn satisfying. The return is great for the time spent, and I think I get my primary sense of belonging from that organization, which I can't really separate from my life even if I try. It has made me who I am.

Things do come up, of course. Things brew and bubble up and then simmer back down. One of the advantages of age is that you have seen a few situations come and go and you are aware of the possibility that not all is as it appears. Sometimes things are scarier in the anticipation phase than they turn out to be. I already said that, though I'm talking about a whole different set of situations now. One thing I have learned to do is to try to take out the urgency. There is a saying used in counseling: Your crisis is not my immediacy. In other words, don't try to get me caught up in your drama. If you insist on making it dramatic, you are the one who will ultimately lose from that approach.

I've learned to make myself wait and consider things carefully. Impulsivity is usually not my friend. I'm particularly disinclined to make public statements before I'm completely sure of where I stand, and if I have all the information, if all the information is even available. One thing that complicates things immensely is people's motives. There do seem to be people who act manipulatively to get their needs met, or what they perceive to be their needs. All situations need people who can ask the right questions. Like, what are you afraid of, and what do you really need? What is the biggest problem, and will this solve it? What other things might happen if we do this, both good and bad?

In other words, process. Proper process is there for many reasons, one being to protect people who don't manipulate or think strategically from those who do. Without process, like bylaws, rules of order, meeting procedures, looking to precedent, and such, decision-making flounders around in chaos. I so appreciate the way SM is grounded in history, in careful, slow decision-making, and in what sometimes appears to be resistance to change. I like the concept of not fixing what isn't broken. If something is a good idea, it will persist.

It's intensely important to try to foresee the related changes that will come with changing one part of the complicated puzzle which is our event, or any large venture. We need extensive planning. There's a euphoria that comes with new possibilities and there is a tempting irrationality to jump on the train and ride, but I am really not that kind of person. I suppose I've missed many thrilling and risky opportunities by being earthbound and sensible, but I also think my attitude contributes to longevity. I have never wanted to die young and leave a good-looking corpse. I'm just not a risk-taker, and I only sometimes admire those who are.

I want studies, I want people to sit down and work through the pros and cons and make lists. I want lots of stakeholders to come into the process, all of them if possible. I don't want to just try something and see if it works, at least on a big scale. I'm a problem for the movers and shakers, but I want them to have to deal with me. I want them to ask me what I'm afraid of, and address it. Maybe my fears will not be realized, but if they are not heard, they will increase. People who don't feel listened to get increasingly irrational, I know that for a fact.

The offseason seems like a long, open stretch where things can be worked on at length and plans put in place without the urgency of performing every seven days. It goes by fast. We jump in at the beginning with our dreams and ideas, and sometimes we do make a little progress. Sometimes we end up with an improvement, sometimes a big one, but usually we find out that the plans are one thing and the implementation something altogether different. This is good to know. I will do my scarves one at a time, because I still have one that I started last tulip season that is unfinished, waiting for tulips. Of the pile of scarves I bought, I may actually finish only a few. My plans may be of that irrational type that seem solid but have hidden pitfalls that I didn't consider, because I jumped too fast and let the urgency take over my sensible nature.

I hope this does not happen on the bigger scale. There is a lot at risk in the big world, much more than a few white scarves. It is not lost on me that waving a white scarf is the international and age-old symbol of surrender.

It is also the honoring gift during exchanges of wisdom in places like Tibet. I'll save a few in case there is some peace to be made in the near future, or some visionaries to honor. Could be either, or both.