New Black Boots

I bought cool boots, just in time for black and white day. I also bought fiesta ware, because it is a discontinued color that matches my tile. Just had to.

I got fired this week, from a little job that paid about $50 a month, taking minutes for a local organization. I've tried to minimize it, as they did it for financial reasons, not personal, so it isn't a reflection on my work. I know I did a good job, though of course as with anything, I could have done better. Still, getting fired is never fun. I lose on several levels, and the only way to gain anything is to shed the emotions and get on to the next thing.

Being an employee is very limiting in some ways. The ideal employee would feel dedication and ownership to the organization and not be selfish in applying talent and energy to the organization's health, but the relationship just doesn't foster that kind of devotion. An employee can't speak freely, can't enter into the planning and oversight functions of the organization, and their involvement is always at risk. No one escapes this; not even the most loyal, hard-working, and longterm employee really has any job security. There is always someone else making the choices that determine the boundaries of the worker's experience. Often it is a group of other people, and it just isn't built into the system to put intangible things like vision and patience and integrity into the value of the employee's position. It always boils down to the "bottom line" in modern business. The progressives use the triple bottom line...some organizations are good at remembering the value of the intangibles, but mostly they get lost in the hard decisions regarding money. Money is simple, a number on a spreadsheet, and all the other stuff is complicated and messy.

Which is one big reason why I work for myself, and treasure that. I get to make the choices that shape my life. It could be argued that, in retail, the customer makes the choices, but that's just in the interface with the public, and most of my job does not really depend on that interface. I still can make the choice of where and when and how I shape that interface, particularly with the options of internet marketing which make it possible for an artist to spend little real time physically presenting work to the public.

Personally, I enjoy the retailing, at least at the Market and Fair, which are all that I do. I don't have a very good relationship with money. My family culture includes being "thrifty" which often translates as cheap. I see myself get greedy when I have been deprived, thinking that there is not enough for everyone. I have a lot of siblings, and we always thought we were poor growing up, though we lived in a suburb where class-climbing was active. We aspired to be upper-middle class and most of my siblings have reached that strata, but my income places me below the poverty line. I'm not motivated by money. I try really hard not to make my decisions and experiences all about money. Yet I total my earnings every market day and gloat when they are better than other days and other vendors. My sense of self-worth is impacted, and my ability to share, feel generous, and support others are all tied into how much money I have. Like many people I have to actively work on my charity, hope, and compassion.

I have other riches in my life and don't desire what my siblings have, but I often feel like I'm doing it wrong. I choose to do it wrong, to bring my other values to play in the marketplace and keep trying to see them valued. In my art I often make political or social statements, or observations of people's values. I try to do it carefully and with humor, but a good percentage of my ideas fall flat and don't resonate with my customers. Sometimes people are glad I said things, but that extra step to buying the products isn't there. I just throw those into the bargain bin, or give them away, or make rags out of them. I'm failry used to being unappreciated, but it is balanced by the many ways I am visibly and materially appreciated. I've been trusting the waters of self-employment for over thirty years and they have kept me afloat.

As an employee, I stubbornly do it wrong. I care and am loyal and self-sacrificing, and often make the mistake of having goals and opinions outside the limits of my role as employee. It's a bargain for the employer, in some ways, but they are the ones who get to choose how my skills, thoughtfulness, and intentions are used. In most of the jobs I've had, there comes a point when my over-involvement puts me in some kind of a box. I've been fired quite a few times, and in most cases I could tell it was coming, and instead of cautiously pulling back my emotions and just doing the job I was hired to do, I push the limits until they won't stretch any more. I take emotional risks, out of a sense of justice, and become a thorn...I can see the pattern. Self-destruction is a way of gaining control. Shutting down the emotional is a defense against the messiness. It's called "acting professionally" and is greatly admired in the business world...it's just business. Not personal.

I feel that it is always personal. I have a great sense of loss regarding the depths of involvement I had with that organization that are now gone. All of the different jobs I did for them have gradually disappeared, and they have gone from being one of my good customers to not being one at all. I will still buy from them, and of course I will not stop caring about them and for them. They're part of me. But the relationship is a shadow of what it was, and I'm not going to pretend it doesn't affect me. I may act professionally on the outside, but I'm a bad employee on the inside, and I kind of want to kick my boss. Steal some office supplies, leave ten minutes early. Talk to a therapist.

The truth is that I feel a great sense of relief as well, that now I have been told not to care so much and be so involved, and I can step back. My letter of resignation has been in my drafts folder for six months. I could have sent it at any time. I chose to wait and let them make the move, let them have the power. I agonized over issues I can now forget. I did my part, and I worked hard, and I feel good about it. That was then, and this is now. I'm free to put that energy back into my own work, and my own life. I can volunteer for another organization, or pick up another little job.

It's not about the money for me, though I am willing to see that they really did look at that line item and felt they had to axe it. I can believe they would rather have made a different decision, if they felt they had the option. They're in their own limiting boxes. I'm not going to hold it against them personally. I'm going to act as professionally as I can. But I'm not going to comply with their last request to come to a meeting so they can say a respectful goodbye in a formal setting. I'm fired. I don't have to comply any more.

I really am a bad employee. But to be more truthful, I'm actually an independent contractor in this situation, and they are merely a client. I have many, and frequently lose and add them. Part of being professional is being emotionally mature, taking things at face value, and knowing that relationships are continuous over time and change constantly. I have made a lot of friends through this little job and I want those friendships and associations to continue.

So I will move from the first stance to the second, and be gracious. Handle my emotions in the proper arenas for them (yes, blogging therapy works) and move to the higher ground. Allow them the opportunity to express their appreciation and desire for a continuing connection by putting me at the top of their agenda for a formal recognition of my service. That's a lovely idea and the only reason I fear it is my own insecurity about my emotional control. Let it be, lose the subtexts and the dramatic suffering and just move along this quickly running stream. Who wouldn't want less work to do in January?

So what if I babble a bit and maybe even get a few tears in the corners of my eyes? It will be a much cleaner break and I can sort the emotions out later if I still need to. Part of the money problem is also the receiving issue...give them an opportunity to give and myself an opportunity to receive. Feel gratitude and receive gratitude.

I'll wear the boots, smile and nod, and then walk away. I've got plenty to do.